Misadventures of Dr. K – Joshua Tree Edition

When I told my friends and family I was going to do a road trip through the mountains and deserts of California and Nevada all by myself, they had some concerns. “What if you get attacked by a bear?”, “What if a mountain lion stalks you?”, “What if you fall off a cliff?”, “What if you get lost in the wilderness?”. Legitimate concerns I guess, but I am not sure having another person would substantially improve that dire situation.

Not a single person said to me “What if while you are running to get into position to beat the timer on your camera, because you have no one to take picture of you, you accidentally sit on a cactus and get an ass full of thorns? And then you have to hobble one mile back to the nearest pit toilet to try to inspect your rear end with some privacy. And then you realize that the translucent white thorns are the same color as your translucent white ass so you can barely see them, but ohhh you can feel them in there. And then you have to crane around to pick the thorns out one by one just by feeling around, so inevitably the thorns that were once stuck in your bum are now stuck in you fingers. You then realize as you pick at the delicate cactus thorns, you are really only breaking off the spines, leaving the barbed ends embedded in your bum meat, potentially for all eternity.

Meanwhile, a line is forming outside the single-stall toilet with antsy park goer’ers rattling at the doorknob. You’ve been in there for quite awhile now, so they surely think you are in extreme gastrointestinal distress. You ponder for a moment, and think it is probably better to let them think you are in there with explosive diarrhea, since after all, that is more relatable than being dumb enough to sit on a cactus. After successfully breaking off all the spines and leaving the barbs inside you, you then have to waddle of shame past the bathroom queue and scurry to your car. You then drive 4 hours to your next AirBnB, leaning to one side to avoid putting pressure on the impaled cheek.”

Now, in this situation, it would have been extremely helpful to be traveling with a friend who I could put in charge of cactus thorn extraction, you know, someone who could really get up close to pluck the thorns out from the root. Fortunately for us all, thanks to that camera timer, I managed to catch the exact moment I sat on the cactus on photo.

Fortunately, there were no long term consequences to my poor aim. I quickly got back in the desert-saddle with a hike through Death Valley National Park the next day. Pro-tip: If you leave a brie and berry compote sandwich on your dashboard in Death Valley while you hike you’ll come back the most most delicious, ooey-gooey, toasty warm lunch!

Have you ever had a run in with a cactus?